The T&D Show: Mission Impossible?
by Seiren-dit-pity
Summary: Ryusei was really looking forward to it: his very own Inazuma truth and dare talk show. The only problem was, how do you host a /talk/ show, when everyone is dared not to speak? [Spin off RyuseiFTW's T&D Show!, rated T for safety]


**Credit where it's due: the idea came up thanks to Ryusei FTW's latest truth and dare fic. Long story short: I sent him this: "I dare ALL the Inazuma cast not to utter a word in your next chapters", he denied me and he blocked me.**

**Hadn't he done that, I would have been able to ask his almighty permission to use his pen name in my story. Well, that's not true. Hadn't he blocked me, I would never have written this delightful fic in the first place.  
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**So this piece is basically to prove him that, yes, you can write a talk show, not only with the main characters silent, but with the host as well. And since it's his idea, he'll be that host. Enjoy!**

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><p>Ryusei was livid. He could barely contain his rage. His first hosting job, on national TV! His creative idea, his precious little baby that finally had been granted recognition, and it was going to be ruined because of his boss? And of a stupid dare? He couldn't bear it. However, he knew he was powerless: he had to comply by his boss's rules, otherwise he'd be fired even before having his makeup put on to have a glowing face in front of the cameras.<p>

It had started well, though. When he had submitted this truth and dare talk show to the moguls of Fanservice, one of the biggest TV entertainment companies, he'd never have expected them to respond with such enthusiasm. The big cheeses had even granted him the extreme honour of presenting the show, alongside with a gorgeous, but decorative, female co-host, Kiyomi. And to be honest, if nothing else, her shiny, dark-haired mane that cascaded along her back would have put most models in shampoo ads out of business.

So, all in all, if things had gone according to plan, Ryusei would have had a ball with his first show: an audience all to himself, and perhaps even the chance to end up with his magnificent, but non-career threatening partner in a less professional way. Even the Inazuma celebrities that had been abducted were compliant, saying that they were in their twenties and that they had had plenty of time to grow used to it, but could the show be aired soon please, so that they could get back to their lives afterwards?

And yet… Everything had gone wrong with that simple anonymous dare which had been mailed to the producer. Ryusei remembered all too well the infamous sentence: _I dare ALL the Inazuma cast not to utter a word_. His boss Seiren had been over the moon, though. Couldn't he see it? Silence was the golden choice. She pretended it would be the most innovative talk show ever, and that people would refer to it as a milestone in TV history. She was weird, he knew it. Couldn't she just see that you can't have a _talk_ show if all the guests are to remain silent? And worse, she had pushed the dare a step further, extending it to him, and ordering him to remain mute.

So there he was in his dressing room, having his face powdered in white by his makeup artist, mulling over his resentment. Ryusei caught a glimpse of himself in the wide, well-lit mirror. The white on his face couldn't properly hide the redness of his cheeks, and the red polka-dot tie around his neck was threatening to strangle him. He really was livid in most senses of the term. He looked in dismay at his costume, which didn't even match his tie. Loose black pants and too wide shoes, but a too tight _stained_ black tailcoat with a crumpled white shirt underneath, the outfit didn't even look worthy of being filmed. The makeup artist added the final touches: a curly black wig, a false moustache very reminiscent of Hitler, and a bowler hat. Well, Seiren had pointed out, if you have to remain silent and be funny, then you might as well take inspiration from one of the greatest. Ryusei heaved a deep sigh and got up, ready to host his show. As he was leaving for the set, he met his boss who quietly handed him a wooden cane. Ryusei snatched it, lips pursed. _See that stupid Charlie Chaplin cane? I'm going to smack you up with it as soon as this is over_, he thought.

Ryusei started to walk on the stage as the jingle of his long awaited show started to play, but stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the voice-off:

"And now ladies and gentlemen, for this special, ten minute, one-off show (_What?! Only ten minutes? And a one-off? What the…_), for the first, and the last, SILENT talk show ever, please welcome your host, the fantastic, but unfortunately dumb (_Whaaat? Oh, dumb as in "unable to speak", OK…_) Ryusei François Trieur Wailer!"

The show must go on. So Ryusei went in the middle of the set, tried for a wide, but insincere smile, and bowed. The audience massively clapped at his arrival. At least, they had been warmed up properly. Not everything was hostile in this environment. The set was quite cosy even: parquet floor of a yummy honey colour, a thriving yucca tree hiding a small kitchen counter and, most important of all, two vast and comfy blue sofas where his guests were already waiting for him.

Well, waiting for him wasn't the exact term. More like going on with their lives, rather. Endou had brought a football, and was exchanging passes with Gouenji, quite adroitly, it had to be said, given the small environment and the slippery wooden floor. Kidou and Fudou were sitting on one of the sofas, but they had somehow got hold of a chessboard, and were deeply absorbed in their game. Though Fudou seemed way less focused than Kidou, and way more into his banana, which he was chewing quite noisily. Natsumi was keeping herself busy in the kitchen. Ryusei made a mental note to avoid that potentially lethal zone. As for his co-host Kiyomi, Ryusei suddenly realised, she was also present. Languidly lying on the other sofa like an Egyptian queen, she was almost as decorative as the yucca next to her. No need to count on her to help him out of this mess. He would have to do this all by himself.

Ryusei refrained from scratching himself. The wig and the false moustache were an itching torture, but rather than focusing on his discomfort, the Chaplin lookalike went to observe the two strategists with their chess game. Ryusei was about to touch Kidou's bishop to indicate a possible move, but Fudou suddenly rose up and grabbed the host by the lapels of his tailcoat, so violently his bowler hat fell. Gosh, even without his shaven head and red tattoo, Fudou really looked and behaved like a thug, and his eyes were sending daggers. But those were just toothpicks compared to the powerful glare the Teikoku coach was giving him. Even behind his green glasses, Ryusei sensed the murderous flames in the crimson irises. _Never mess with a chess game, noted_. The host picked up his bowler hat on the floor, and curtseyed profusely. The audience let out tiny ripples of laughter. Even if the joke was on him, Ryusei felt lucky to get away with that mimed apology, rather than getting Fudou's foot on his tiny tushie.

If he was not welcome to play chess, surely Endou and Gouenji wouldn't object to playing football with him? Ryusei approached the pair timidly, and was relieved to see Endou's wide warm grin. The Flame Striker was more reluctant. Nonetheless, he obeyed his captain's mute orders and sent Ryusei the ball. But kicking back with the cane wasn't easy. The Chaplin impersonator almost lost his balance, but in an incredible pirouette, managed to pass the ball to Endou. But because of the host's wavering stance, the pass didn't connect properly, and the ball flew out of control towards Endou's head. In a reflex movement, the keeper used a Megaton Head, whose course ended right into Ryusei's face.

If the audience was already massively laughing with the messed football game, when they saw the wig and moustache askew on the host's face red with the shock and with a fury he struggled to contain because he had to, they erupted in a maniacal laughter that would have put hyenas to shame. Only Natsumi seemed really worried about the poor Ryusei, patting him on the shoulder and offering him an onigiri, of which he gladly took a bite. Big mistake. As predictable, Natsumi's cooking was far too salty and spicy, and the host began to choke heavily on the food. Face puce, coughing as if he was about to expel his lungs from his body, Ryusei headed towards the small kitchen, hoping for a glass of water. Only he didn't see the banana peel Fudou had thrown on the floor… and fell flat on his back, hitting his head and breaking his cane in half. _So much for using it against his boss_. The last thing Ryusei remembered before passing out was the huge racket and raucous roars of the audience. At least he had done his job properly.

That evening, Ryusei decided to stroll along the marina, breathe the salty air and admire the yachts to get away from his crushed dreams of fame. Things hadn't gone as expected, true, but the five digits pay check he had got from that job was some source of comfort. Finally indulging in a meal at the famous seaside restaurant _The World's your Oyster_ with that money would certainly cheer him up as well. He pushed the door, and waited in the lavish lobby for the maître d' to give him a table. And that's when he heard them clink and toast champagne glasses to their success. In a dim corner, having dinner together, were the familiar silhouettes of his ex-boss and a man with dreadlocks. They were smirking at him.

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><p><strong>On a technicality, if anyone points out that the voice-off is a dialogue, I will answer this: there is only one person speaking, so that qualifies as a monologue. XD<br>**

**Still on a technicality, if Kiyomi-chan 789 **(be sure to check her lovely reviews) **complains that I used her OC without permission, I will answer this: I only used a common Japanese name, that _at least_ 40 other authors here share. I will also remind her than said OC is nowhere to be seen on her profile. I might not be bad with words, but I'm still not capable of mind reading.  
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**And by popular demand, this fic will stay. :)  
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